So I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere at “Pizza School,” learning to make pizzas just like they do in one of the world’s largest fast food chains. Unfortunately, I signed about twelve different confidentiality agreements, so I’m not really going to say anything more about that. Good stories, but not worth getting fired over, you know?
Anyway, this leaves me forced to write about something else. I drove here, four some hours from home, and all the way I listened to Christmas music off my MP3 player. I’m a sucker for Christmas music, I love it, and I’m thrilled that the socially acceptable time for listening is back. (Not that I’m above playing it softly in the privacy of my own home in mid-June, mind you.) I’m thinking I can probably get a blog entry out of this, so here it goes. My all-time Christmas CD, in poorly thought out form. I’m sure you’ll be less than thrilled. Please, by all means, make suggestions. They’re beyond welcome, it’s more of a craving…I know there’s great Christmas music out there that I’ve never heard of (the Remix can attest—saying my taste in music is refined is like saying Britney Spears flashed everyone her uterus by mistake—horseshit.) So tell me what you think, what you like, and if there’s something I just gotta hear that didn’t make my list. And without further ado:
1. Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives – Yes, the one from that stop-motion animated Rudolph special I’ve seen a thousand times. I love the memories I have of this one. Sitting in front of the TV in my pajamas on Christmas Eve, with a bowl of popcorn my pops just made, giddy with anticipation and barely able to sit still for the whole movie.
2. Merry Christmas From the Family, Montgomery Gentry – I know Robert Earl Keane did it first and better, but did you? Didn’t think so. If you’ve heard it, you’ve probably heard the one that actually made the radio. My sense of humor is just juvenile enough that this still makes me laugh.
3. Baby It’s Cold Outside, Dean Martin – This is the first close call on the list. Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald are both among my favorites, but the mental image of Satchmo trying to storm Lady Ella’s castle during a blizzard is just this side of nauseating. Dean had the personality to sell it right…I mean, who can’t picture Dean Martin smooth-talking some poor virtuous neighborhood girl right out of her dress? (Good Christ, do I think about this stuff too much, or what?)
4. Winter Wonderland, Harry Connick Jr. – The instrumental version, I think it was in When Harry Met Sally. This is the kind of rollicking Connick solo that makes me curse the day I quit piano lessons. I’d give my left big toe to be able to play a piano like this.
5. You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch, Boris Karloff – It’s Boris Karloff. Singing. What else can I say? I’d sort of like to know how ridiculous I look bellowing along to this in the car. I’m somewhere between a bass and a baritone, and to match Boris on this one I do that goofy face where it looks like you’re fighting back a tremendous belch in an effort to will up the bottom notes from the depths of my chest. It’s gotta be as hilarious as it is off-key.
6. Blue Christmas, Elvis Presley – Only the King can pull off a Christmas song that’s this ostensibly sad and have this much fun hamming it up. Sure, he says he’s going to have a blue Christmas without you, but it sounds more like he’s looking forward to getting rip-roaring drunk and passing out in the mashed potatoes and then blaming it all on you when he wakes up the next day.
7. Christmas Waltz, Frank Sinatra – Connick’s version of this was close, but Frankie does it best. Even in a Christmas song, Sinatra sounds like he’s simultaneously wishing you a happy holiday and dropping his hotel room key in your girlfriend’s purse. He was just that kind of guy.
8. Merry Fucking Christmas, Mr. Garrison on South Park – Ninety percent of the time, I’m above South Park. It’s rude, and gross, and pushes the envelope just for the sake of doing it. And then they go and do something like this…and totally redeem themselves! Seriously, anytime you can combine two of my favorite pastimes (swearing and mocking religious/political extremists) and make it a Christmas song to boot, you’ve got me sold. I’m a sucker like that.
9. Frosty the Snowman, Leon Redbone and Dr. John – Two of the most distinctive voices I know, doing a raucous and nonsensical version of a traditional Christmas classic. The first time I heard this, I thought it was just the greatest Christmas joke since the nativity. Brilliant.
10. O Holy Night, Anyone – When it’s done right, this is simply one of the prettiest songs ever. I’ve yet to find a version that’s totally satisfactory—there’s lots of soaring, beautiful recordings out there, but not one I can sing along with in key. I’ll let you know if I find one, or maybe someone here can help me out.
11. Let It Snow, Bing Crosby – A perfect crooner’s song, for the perfect crooner. Bing may have been a violent maniac in real life, but behind the microphone he’s as smooth as glass. His voice is low enough to rumble the windows, but it’s silk the whole time. Plus, there’s a groovy clarinet part. Don’t get to say that often enough.
12. Dominic the Donkey, Lou Monte – The Italian Christmas donkey? Seriously? Did they cut this track with me in mind, or are there other people in the world who take a ridiculous amount of pleasure in that phrase. I’m going to say it again…Italian Christmas donkey…look at those endorphins go.
13. Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano – I know how bad this is. Really, I do. There’s more good memories here, though…two years ago, roadtripping with a couple of good friends to see another get married the weekend before Christmas, the only time my buddy in the back seat woke up was when this came on the radio, and we’d scream it out until we had no voices left, at which point he’d lay back down on the seat and go back to bed.
14. Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas, Eazy E – Again, uncontrollable swearing and a Christmas song? Count me in. This one doesn’t even make any sense, it’s just a jumble of poorly conceived innuendos and drug references, with no real point….it’s wonderful.
15. White Christmas, Bing Crosby – It’s too good not to put Bing on here twice. This song is sort of a catch-all for Christmas memories for me, December 25th is just another day until this comes on.
So there you have it. Again, please feel free to hit me up with suggestions. I’m going to exhaust my stash before we’re even halfway to the holiday. There may be another entry forthcoming with all the Christmas music that I can’t stand…
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7 comments:
I really like the Transiberian Orchestra's take on Christmas songs. And anything Manheim Steamroller, just about. And, for something more classical, I've always liked "We Three Kings", not necessarily for the words, just the music. And "Carol of the Bells". And "The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy".
My favorites are the standards. O Holy Night, The First Noel, Greensleeves. This may be why I like candlelit Christmas Eve services so much. Also, I miss you. I'm glad you'll be back tomorrow. And I don't care if the whole internet knows it!
The songs are all so familiar -- for me that is the point; I don't tend to like newer ones -- that I'll list my favorites by performer. And album name, if I can think of it. Joan Baez's Noel is a standard from my childhood -- it ties with Bing Crosby you already mentioned. It's one of her earlier recordings. But what makes this album so great is the arrangements done by Peter Schickele (better known for his classical music comedy stylings as P.D.Q. Bach) in a pseudo early music style. I love Diana Krall's Christmas CD that came out last year. And pretty much any carol performed by Lou Rawls or Ella Fitzgerald. And I love the Klezmonauts' "Oy to the World" -- Christmas carols done in klezmer style. My personal favorite from this song is "Santa Gey Gesunderheit," but the minor key rendition of the title track with wailing clarinets is terrific. And I also crack up every year at the sound of the "Italian Christmas Donkey." My very favorite, though, is one I've been unable to find or even identify. I was driving to a Christmas Eve gig one year and heard a song for which the chorus was "Santa Claus Oink Oink." It was about a pig from, I believe, Jamaica, who was trying to avoid his inevitable appearance on the Christmas dinner table with an apple in his mouth.
Totally forgot one, in the good memory department...Snoopy vs. the Red Baron, by the Royal Guardsmen. Good stuff. Oh, Harriet, I spent forty minutes on google today trying desperately to figure out what your pig/christmas song was so I could download it...no dice.
Thanks for trying. I haven't had any luck either. I kept thinking I'd run into a playlist for the radio station. I seem to recall the song was introduced by someone who said he'd found the record in a flea market or junk shop or something.
Did you know that Aimee Mann has a Christmas album? (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000IMUYEC/ref=nosim/?tag=allsund-20) Me either. She's always worth a listen.
my contribution is this...
Jewel. She does a fun jazzy version of Rudolf the red nosed reindeer. Her voice is beautiful. You've already named my main xmas man Bing. Anything he sings is a hit. And unless I missed something, you don't have anyone singing, chestnuts roasting on an open fire. You have to have that on your playlist.
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