Sympathy for the Devil

Ah, the first fight. Over, done with, and in the books now, but boy was it bad while it lasted. Shamefully easy to predict, really...little thing becomes a big deal, everyone's feelings are hurt for no rational reason, now everyone is defensive. (Everyone, of course, being me.)

Anyway, the Remix is at the Stones concert, and I am still slightly brooding and a bit cranky, but the worst is over. So in typical form, I'm going to break it down and tell you why, even when we fight, this girl is way too good to me.

For one thing, it didn't get too nasty. A little bit, here and there, I said some unnecessarily harsh things out of frustration, and she hit me with some half-decade old reminders out of defensiveness, but on the whole we were civil, if not exactly tender and understanding. That's something of a relief to me, given the way we used to go at each other, years ago.

What's more important to me, though, and the reason that even though I'm still not thrilled with this whole situation, it's over in my mind, is the fact that nobody won. More than that, even, no one was trying to win. Let me clarify: Winning, for me, would have meant keeping her from doing this thing that I don't like, thus proving that my will is superior and even my most irrational feelings deserved unquestioning respect. Bullshit, right? Winning for her would have meant convincing me somehow that my feelings were just wrong, thus proving that she can always do whatever she wants, regardless of how I might feel, as long as she can justify it enough to sell me on it. Equally bullshit. The good news? No one tried to win. I never told her "no," she couldn't go. She never told me "no," my feelings are ridiculous and irrelevant to what she decides to do. Essentially, we agreed to disagree. She knows I'm not happy, and regardless of whether she thinks I ought to be, she's sorry that this is the case. I know she does actually care about my feelings, no matter how irrational and uncontrollable they are, and I'm sorry for not being more cooperative in the first place.

The funny thing is, nothing really changed, between yesterday morning and right now. She's still going, and I'm still pissed. Except that somehow, it's become ok on both sides. She's ok with me being pissed, because she knows I understand now where she's coming from. I'm ok with her going, because I know she understands now why it bothers me. The actual going, the actual concert? Afterthought. For a split second yesterday, I felt less important to her than her friend, the show, and most painfully, her desire to be free. For the next second, she felt like I was trying to own her, rein her in, and most painfully, cut her off from the other things that matter to her. And when all is said and done, we both know now that neither thing is true.

I hope she's having fun. I hope at some point, she wishes I was there. The rest? Already ancient history.